To the Victim of Narcissism, the Potter Loves You (PART 1)

To the Victim of Narcissism, the Potter Loves You

Mark 1:10-11 Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” (NIV)

            There are many people who deal with abusive behavior. They go throughout life in silence never saying much about it to anyone. They may even question themselves as to the reality of it, or if it was only in their vivid imagination. They look for answers, while never being able to quite pinpoint the questions to the answers they seek. Their emotions are often filled with highs and lows – never able to remain steady for long. Deep down, they know that life has not been normal for them. To say, however, that they have been abused is questionable even to themselves and yet, they know that what they have gone through is exactly what it was…abuse. Although most people look for signs of it from the outside, there is a type of abuse that is given where visible signs would never be seen. This abuse is called narcissism.  

            Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a state of mind characterized by an individual’s distorted view of themselves as being superior to others: self-entitled, expecting respect while denying it to others, dominating and spiritually manipulative, as well as having a sense of low self-esteem, which makes them overly sensitive to constructive criticism. Those with this disorder are often emotionally abusive to those around them. Even though they may appear to be the most caring person in the world, those closest to them are often the victims of their abuse behind closed doors. Victims who experience abuse from narcissists normally suffer in silence because the narcissistic person does not appear as such. Narcissists have even been able to fool professional therapists who were not proficient in this area of study. Therefore, the victim appears to be the toxic individual, while the narcissist looks like Mother Theresa.

            Narcissists were often victims of this themselves as children and therefore, continued the pattern. The emotional damage goes from generation to generation until someone breaks the vicious cycle by pressing the reset button. The only way to do this is to recognize the signs and allow the Potter to help with recovery. The Bible gives a detailed description of narcissists and their ungodly behavior in 2 Timothy. Let’s break down the signs and help you to overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse.  

2 Timothy 3:1-7  ⁽¹⁾But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ⁽²⁾People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ⁽³⁾without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁽⁴⁾treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – ⁽⁵⁾Having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. ⁽⁶⁾They are the kind who work their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, ⁽⁷⁾always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. (NIV)

a.)    People will be lovers of themselves

The narcissist feels that his/her needs and concerns outweigh yours. If you express your feelings, they are dismissed by the narcissist as being irrelevant or an act of exaggeration. Your concerns must take a backseat to the narcissist. The narcissist will diminish your need even if it is worse off than theirs because needs of the narcissist comes first and foremost. The Potter knows that your feelings and concerns do matter. Isaiah 43:4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. (NIV) The Potter loves you and cares about your feelings. He pays special attention to you and never abuses nor hold you emotionally hostage.

b.)   Lovers of money

The narcissist will give you gifts, but there are normally emotional strings attached. If the narcissist does something for you, he/she will be sure to remind you at a future time of their choosing that you are in their everlasting debt. Therefore, you must be careful with taking gifts from the narcissist for they have you feeling like an emotional prostitute. There is no way to get from under their control in their minds. You owe them just because you exist. You can never tell them no. Their love may not always be of physical money, but you are their lifetime investment. Therefore, they hold you in their emotional treasury with intentions to cash out later. 

The Potter gave the ultimate gift so that you could have eternal life. He loves you just that much and you are priceless in His eyes. Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. (NIV) His gift does not hold you captive, but frees you to honor Him with your life. Freedom is what He offers at the Potter’s house.

c.)    Boastful

The narcissist will never give you credit for your accomplishment, but seeks to take credit themselves. Anything that the narcissist cannot get credit for, he/she will ignore. The narcissist will try to sabotage your feelings of self-worth. They will lift themselves up, but put you down and will pick a fight to avoid attending a special occasion that may be held in your honor. You may spend a lifetime trying to get acceptance for who you are from the narcissist, but it will never happen. Therefore, you have to encourage yourself and not look for affirmation from the narcissist. 

The Potter will one day have a feast in your honor. He will give you a reward for your faithfulness to Him. He loves and cares for you; therefore, no one will ever be able to take away the honor that He has waiting for you. Psalm 23:5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. (NIV)

d.)   Proud

The narcissist never admits wrong-doing. If he/she feels that they are being made to apologize, they will do so in a sarcastic manner such as, “If you think that I did something wrong, then I’m sorry.” Their apology is baseless and non-heartfelt. They normally do not make the first initiative to make things right, but always expect you to bow down to their idea of royalty. The narcissist would rather bite bricks than to say sorry for anything. Their pride keeps them from acknowledging that they have done you wrong and therefore, they will attempt to transfer blame onto you. Therefore, do not expect the narcissist to apologize for anything – at least sincerely. They will always excuse their behavior and make it seem as if somehow, it was your fault. This is typical behavior from an abuser. 

The Potter will not allow the prideful to enter the kingdom. Therefore, He expects us to have a heart of humility. Jesus humbled himself to honor the will of his Father. Therefore, if Jesus could do it, then the Potter expects the same from all His children.

Philippian 2:6-8  ⁽⁶⁾Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; ⁽⁷⁾rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. ⁽⁸⁾And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death – even death on a cross! (NIV)

e.)    Abusive

Narcissists can be both emotionally and verbally abusive. They make you feel as if you are nothing more than a pion in comparison to them. They will have a mental note of all your failures, while acting as if their life has been peaches and cream. The narcissist criticizes and demeans you constantly. They will name call, yell, and even try to manipulate you spiritually by using the Bible support their distorted thinking, while avoiding any and all scriptures that applies their obvious abuse. To make them aware of their abuse is to invoke their anger, for they will be sure to highlight how someone has gone through worse times than you and therefore, you should be grateful that you didn’t have it as hard as some. 

The Potter does not wish for His children to be abused. He had to watch and listen as the very people whom His son was trying to save mocked and eventually nailed Him to a cross. Jesus’ only crime was that of doing good by healing the sick, raising the dead, casting out demons, and teaching them of his Father. Matthew 12: 22-24  ⁽²²⁾Then they brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see. ⁽²³⁾All the people were astonished and said, “Could this be the Son of David?”  ⁽²⁴⁾But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, “It is only by Beelzebul, the prince of demons, that his fellow drives out demons.” (NIV) The Potter never expects His children to take abuse of any level and when it does take place, He is your refuge to freedom.

f.)     Disobedient to their parents

Narcissist will quite often take advantage of their authority over children even as adults. This often causes problems with the relationship between the narcissistic parent and the adult child because that parent does not know how to respect boundaries. They seek to control and manipulate the child, which adds friction to an already challenging relationship. However, even if you have a narcissistic parent, you do not have to be a victim of their abuse. Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (KJV) As a child, you may not have a way to escape the abuse, but as an adult, you have every right to expect respect from them. Remember, abuse comes in many ways other than just physical. Therefore, if you make a decision in life, that is unagreeable with the narcissist, expect that they will be forceful in trying to guilt-trip, sabotage and/or even threaten to withdraw their not-so-affectionate affection towards you. They will claim that you are not being obedient to their wishes when in fact they are imposing on yours. 

The Potter is your parent and has given the ability to have free will. As an adult, it is up to you to make the choices that be align with the plans that He has for you. This may not always be in agreement with the narcissist, but your goal should not to please them because you will fall short every time. The only one you have to please is God. At the Potter’s house, you will always have a home. Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. (NIV)

g.)    Ungrateful

The narcissist never sees your worth as a unique person and therefore, is ungrateful that you are in their life. They cannot seem to value you because it is all about them…what they want, what they need, how they feel – you get the picture. The narcissist is unaware that you have feelings. It is not that they do not know, but it is a matter of the narcissist not caring. They have no sense of empathy for what you are going through. You may have given your all to them emotionally and wanted their reciprocation, but they would walk over your feelings with total disregard because it was expected and not earned. Therefore, do not expect the narcissist to take notice of you as an individual. After all, you are only there in servitude to them and not as an equal. 

The Potter always gives us love even when it is not reciprocated. He is good to us and wants us to be grateful unto Him. The Potter values us because He has made us all unique vessels for His kingdom purpose. Therefore, we can be assured that the Potter is empathetic with all that we go through because Jesus went through it as well. Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. (NIV)

h.)   Unholy

The narcissist often knows that they have issues that are being projected onto their victim, but they will continue to do so without seeking help. They can never be fully trusted because once you let your guard down with them, they will take advantage of it and you will be left kicking yourself every time. Micah 7:5 Do not trust a neighbor, put no confidence in a friend. Even with the woman who lies in your embrace guard the words of your lips. (NIV) The narcissist will take every opportunity to put you down in order to make themselves feel and look superior. This damages the relationship even if the narcissistic person considers themselves a Christian. Instead of trying to have a healthy relationship, they try to find your weaknesses and if you are a Christian, they will drive a steak into your attempts towards walking the straight and narrow. They will claim that that you are unblessed, unrighteous, and that you need to strengthen your spiritual walk when the narcissist is the one who is tearing you down on multiple levels. Proverbs 26:2 Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest. (NIV) They flip the script on you by making it seem as if you are failing miserably at having a relationship with them when it is their behavior that is causing the problem. Therefore, because their life’s mission is to kill, steal and destroy any ambition and positivity in you. The narcissist, therefore, is the one who is acting unholy. 

The Potter is about building healthy relationships. Part of being holy is knowing that the way we treat others is a reflection of our relationship with Him. Therefore, if we mistreat and abuse someone, then that is a sign that our relationship with Him is not very productive. 1 John 4:20-21 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen cannot love God whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (NIV) You cannot say that you love God and cannot love your fellow man. It does not work that way. Earth is your training ground, but many are calling themselves soldiers in God’s army, but have not passed boot camp. The Potter requires holy living and at the Potter’s house, He helps you to accomplish that mandate.

i.)     Without love

The narcissist view of love is like a cobra shooting poison. It is deadly! They tend to not know how to show love because it was never shown to them. Control, agitation, manipulation, and lack of compassion is what they do best. You will spend a lifetime trying to gain their approval and wanting them to love you just for who you are, but you will never receive it. 1 Corinthians 13:1-2 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. (NIV) They dangle the idea of love over you, but will never allow you to take full hold of it. Love for the narcissist is merely about having control, but should you get outside of their perfect box, their love will be placed back on the shelf, leaving you with feelings of emptiness and despair. Narcissists will often withhold the words, “I love you,” from your ears, but will ensure that you know they have expressed it to someone else causing the knife to penetrate deep into your heart. It leaves you wondering, “Why wasn’t I deserving of someone to love ME?” 

 The Potter desires all His children to know that they are loved even when undeserving. His love is unconditional and will never be withdrawn. You never have to worry about Him loving you on Tuesday and hating you by Thursday. His love is constant and will never fail. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (NIV) When others seem to withdraw their love from you, He draws in even closer. He loved you so much that He gave His son Jesus to save you. That is exceptional love that no one could ever give.

j.)     Unforgiving

Narcissists can be very unforgiving people. They want you to remember any and everything that you may have done wrong to them or someone else. They try to instill fear in you by letting you know that they can get even with you when you least expect. Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (NIV) You may have tried to earn their forgiveness even if you had not done anything wrong, but in the narcissist mind, you will never be able to do enough. They hold your right to forgiveness hostage and will sabotage any type of reconciliation that you will attempt. They let you know that they hold the remote and it is on their time when you will be able to bow. However, they do not view themselves in the same light. In their minds, everyone should be loving and forgiving towards them because after all…they are special. Romans 12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. (NIV) Everyone else is beneath them and therefore, they should be treated as royalty despite all the harmful things that they may have done to others. 

The Potter lets us know in His word that no one can enter into Heaven with forgiveness. This means that those who refuse to forgive others, God will not forgive them. Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (NIV) The cross was necessary so that we could have forgiveness from the Father for our sins. The blood of sheep, goats and bulls were not able to permanently take away our sins. Only the blood of Jesus was and still is able to wash our sins away. Therefore, you will find forgiveness at the Potter’s house and those who refuse to do what He does for us every day will not find themselves at the banquet of the Lamb. 

JOIN US ON MONDAY AS WE CONTINUE OUR STUDY ON THE VICTIM OF NARCISSISM.