People Pleasers...You just can't Do It!

John 15:18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.” (NIV)

Judges 11:7 Jephthah said to them, “Didn’t you hate me and drive me from my father’s house? Why do you come to me now, when you’re in trouble?”

 

            The Bible tells the story of a man named Jephthah who was a mighty warrior and whose mother was a prostitute. Due to the circumstances surrounding his birth, his half-brothers made him leave from their mist because they did not want him to have any claim to their inheritance. So Jephthah left his brothers and settled in another land where others, whom may have been considered as low class, welcomed him. Sometime later, the Israelites were in a battle against the Ammonites and Jephthah’s brothers looked for him so they could get his help. They didn’t come to him in an apologetic manner or to reconcile, but only to use him for what he could offer. Jephthath agreed to help them fight against the Ammonites.

            Isn’t it amazing how some people treat you until they need something from you? Have you ever been in a situation where you were the one that was overlooked and passed by, but as soon as people found out what you could do, they all of a sudden couldn’t live without you? This was the case of Jephthath. His brothers wanted nothing to do with him because he was considered a bastard.  Due to his father’s indiscretion of sleeping with a harlot, Jephthath’s brothers did not want anything to do with him. They mistreated him and he was considered to be the black sheep of the family. However, as soon as they needed something, they knew who to call on. In an effort to please his family, Jephthath went back with them. Unfortunately, he lost his daughter in the process because he made a vow to God that he had to keep by sacrificing her. If Jephthath had never accepted their offer, the outcome of that story may have turned out differently.

            Many people do things that they do not want to do because they are trying so desperately to fit in. They somehow have come to the conclusion that if I do this or if I do that, they will like me or they will accept me. Well, the truth of the matter is, you cannot win someone’s acceptance regardless of what you do. If people don’t like you, there is nothing that you can do about it. Look at Jesus for instance. Jesus never hurt anyone, but he was not accepted by all. Many of the religious leaders of the day hated Jesus and wanted to kill him, which is exactly what they did in the end. There was nothing that Jesus could have said or done to make them accept him. Even if he had come in all his riches and glory, they still would have found something wrong with him.

            This is the case with many people. You cannot please people who have already set in their minds that they do not like you. It is just impossible and you shouldn’t waste your time trying. I have done this throughout my life for many years and with NO success. That’s right! I had no success, so guess what? I stopped trying!  You are wasting your breath and energy if you think that anything you do will matter. Some people just love the fact of being evil regardless of how kind you are to them, so the best thing to do is to let them brew in their own stew. Learn to appreciate those who appreciate you. You can’t force a horse to lay eggs. It just isn’t going to happen, but you can go to the chicken who will.

            Here are a few tips that I researched to help you not be a people pleaser. Maybe once you stop being a people please then you can be a God pleaser. After all, isn’t He the one who counts anyway? Let’s see what we can do to change the people-pleasing status. These suggestions were taken by Susan Newman Ph.D, a New Jersey-based social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It—And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

1. Realize you have a choice.

People-pleasers often feel like they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have a choice to say no and stick to it.

2. Set your priorities.

Knowing your priorities and values helps you put the brakes on people-pleasing. You know when you feel comfortable saying no or saying yes. Ask yourself, “What are the most important things to me?”

3. Stall.

Whenever someone wants you to do something, take some time to think about it. You do not have to give them an answer right away. Also, don’t forget to get as much information as possible so that you can make a well informed decision. If an immediate answer is needed, you have the right to say no and be comfortable with it. Once you accept, you are pretty much obligated to it.

4. Set a time limit.

Set limits because your time is valuable. If you only have one hour because it will inconvenience you, then stick to that one hour. Do not feel guilty because you cannot dedicate more time.

5. Consider if you’re being manipulated.

Avoid master manipulators. These are people who try to butter you up with compliments just to get you to do what they want. Yes, you may be good at what you do, but you do not have to do it for them. You make the best decision that’s for YOU.

6. Create a mantra.

Have something prepared to say in advance for those people who are good at getting you to do what they want such as, “NO”.

7. Say no with conviction.

Do not fluctuate with you NO. Make it final once you have said it and stick to it. If you sound uncertain then the other person will play on that.

8. Use an empathic assertion.

You do not have to be cruel when being assertive. You can let them know that you understand their needs, but at this time, it is not best for you to proceed with their request.

9. Consider if it’s worth it.

If you have worked all day, for example, and you have been asked to take on a project that is going to tire you out for the next day, see if it is worth the extra stress. Do not accept something that will have you stressed out in the end.

10. Don’t give a litany of excuses.

You do not have to make excuses for declining to take on a project. This allows the other person to help you out of those excuses by offering solutions so that you can adjust your schedule to theirs.

11. Start small.

Do not try to take on everything at once. Great things were built in stages. It is okay to set deadlines, but don’t try to build Rome in a day. It just isn’t going to happen.

12. Practice successive approximation.

For every step that you take in the right direction, is a positive step forward. For example, telling someone that you will have to do a project later when you normally would drop everything right then is a step in the right direction.

13. Don’t apologize — if it’s not your fault.

Don’t over apologize for things that go wrong. Most people that are people pleasers try to take on the world when everything that happens is not your fault. Now if something happens that is your fault then accept responsibility, but do not take the blame for others’ actions.

14. Remember that saying no has its benefits.

It is okay to say no to things when you need rest for example. Don’t offer to bake that cake if you know that you are sleep deprived. It is not being selfish, but being mindful that you are human. Take care of YOU!

15. Set clear boundaries — and follow through.

Do not allow others to cross the boundaries that you have set. If you are not okay with something, make sure that you communicate that and stick to it. For example, if I tell you that a certain topic is off limits, do not think that you are going to forcefully bring it up. It will not happen.

 

16. Don’t be scared of the fallout.

If someone gets upset because you have said no…let them. Most of the time, the one who is requesting something, has not taken into consideration how it will affect you. Therefore, you are the one who has to be responsible to say no if you do not find it to be okay.

17. Consider who you want to have your time.

Since you cannot be all places at one time, consider who is worth you spending your time with. If you have a friend who has come to town and you have been friends for years in comparison to an associate who calls only when he/she needs money, it’s okay to hang out with the friend.

18. Self-soothe.

Talk to yourself and encourage yourself just as David did. You may not get the encouragement to stand up for yourself from others, so you have to be the one to look at yourself in the mirror and DO YOU.

19. Recognize when you’ve been successful.

Focus on the positive aspects of your life. Don’t always look at what you did wrong, but look at what you did right. Doing something for you is a step in the right direction.

20. Realize that you can’t be everything to everyone.

Remember, “YOU CAN’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!” So remember not to try. You will drive yourself batty thinking that you can please everyone. People pleasers want to fit in and they want everyone’s acceptance, but it isn’t going to happen. You can only be responsible for your own thoughts and actions…no one else’s.

21. Most of all…PRAY.

Ask God to give you discernment as to when to say yes and when to say no. No is not a bad word and even God sometimes says NO.