Did You Marry the Wrong Person?

Malachi 2:15-16 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (NIV)

Disclaimer – I have never been married, so this blog is strictly coming from the Bible and research that I have done. Please do not read this as a means for you to divorce the person you are with. You must take that up with God and your spouse. Follow the steps of the Bible in ALL aspects of your life with the decisions that you make. 

1 Corinthians 7:10-15 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise you children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (NIV)

Matthew 19:9 “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)

 

            I decided to start this blog out with several scriptures because this is on which we should build our foundation. If you skimmed over them, I suggest that you take the time to go back over them and read what God has to say. Anything that goes against the word of God should never be followed. With that being said, what is going wrong with the marriage institution of today? Why are there so many divorces and why is this found to be a problem even in the church? Despite common belief, it has been found that those who actively are committed to their religious faith have lower divorce rates than those who don’t. However, divorce still takes place within the church. Here are the U.S. Census Bureau statistics when it comes to the breakdown of divorces.

50% of all marriages end in divorce within the U.S.

41% of first marriages end in divorce.

60% of second marriages end in divorce.

73% of third marriages end in divorce.

Within the U.S., there is 1 divorce every 36 seconds. That's nearly 2,400 divorces every day, 16,800 divorces per week and 876, 000 per year.

* The average length of most marriages that end in divorce is 8 years.

* People wait an average of 3 years after a divorce to remarry (if the ever remarry).

* The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old.

I did not list the statistics for gay marriages because this is not recognized in the eyes of God.

 

Professor Bradley Wright, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut, explains from his analysis of people who identify as Christians but rarely attend church, that 60% of these have been divorced. Of those who attend church regularly, 38% have been divorced.

Other data from additional sociologists of family and religion suggest a substantial marital stability divide between those who take their faith seriously and those who do not.

W. Bradford Wilcox, a leading sociologist at the University of Virginia and director of the National Marriage Project, finds from his own analysis that "active conservative Protestants" who regularly attend church are 35% less likely to divorce compared to those who have no affiliation. Nominally attending conservative Protestants are 20% more likely to divorce, compared to secular Americans.^[

            So what does taking your faith seriously have to do with the divorce rate within the church? I would think that it has everything to do with it. After all, aren’t we supposed to follow the principals of the Bible and not that of the secular world? Let us dig into some of the reasons that most divorces take place and then find the Biblical solution to the problem.

After doing some research, here are a few of the reasons that I found for couples divorcing according to MSN Living’s Website titled, “The 8 Most Common Reasons for Divorce” and an article written by Anamika S. on Hub Pages titled, “Why do people get divorced: Top 10 Reasons for Divorce.”

 

LACK OF COMMITTMENT

73% percent of couples said a lack of commitment was the main reason their marriage didn’t work. According to the survey, 62% of exes said they wished their spouses had worked harder to stay married. 35% of men and 21% of women said they wished they, themselves, had worked harder in the marriage.

Why was there a “Lack of Commitment?” Isn’t this what the purpose of marriage is for? If they didn’t want to “commit” why did they get married? Let’s see how the breakdown of the natural marriage can be closely related to the breakdown of the relationship with God with either one or both spouses.

Genesis 2:23-24 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Man was to become one with the woman that God had given him. He was to be committed to her and to her only. God did not have several women around for Adam to choose from or several men for Eve’s choosing. Instead, He made just one woman from the side of Adam for him, and he was the only man for Eve. He was to be committed to her as he was to God. God was the Father and Creator of them both and they were to be united as one in His presence. We are to have this same commitment to God as we would our spouse. Jesus refers to the church as His bride and therefore, God never wanted us not to be in a committed relationship with Him. Leviticus 19:4 “Do not turn to idols or make metal gods for yourselves. I am the Lord your God. (NIV) God wanted us to serve only Him and therefore, we were in covenant with God just as we would and should be in covenant with our spouse. Could it be that the lack of commitment in marriage is due to a lack of commitment with God?  

TOO MANY DISAGREEMENTS

56% of exes surveyed said too much arguing was the reason for their split. "Incessant arguing that doesn't lead to any resolution is incredibly damaging for any relationship," says Clinton Power, relationship counselor and founder of Clinton Power & Associates. 

Amos 3:3 do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? (NIV)

This does not mean that you will agree on absolutely everything. However, you both should be of one mind in God and therefore, He will order your steps in all areas of your lives. You must line up with the word of God when in doubt. God will never lead you in a direction that is contrary to His word. You should consult God about everything, but both parties need to be “willing” to hear from God because what God has spoken to one, He will reveal what He has said to the other. This was done in the case of Mary and the birth of Jesus. Luke 1:31 You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. (NIV) The message that was given to Mary was later revealed to Joseph in a dream.

Matthew 1:20-21 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said “Joseph on of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” (NIV)

INFIDELITY

It's no surprise that cheating plays a significant role in divorce. It was the 3^RD most common reason cited in the survey, with 55% of respondents saying infidelity caused their split. Cheating comes in many forms. Most people think that it is only cheating when you are physically intimate with someone. Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t so. Jesus clearly states that if you look upon a woman with lust, you have done it in your heart. Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NIV) This means that God knows the secrets of a man’s heart and He will judge them accordingly. Ecclesiastes 12:14 For God will bring every deed into judgment including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (NIV)

Also, we know that adultery is absolutely wrong. Therefore, there is no excuse to commit such an act before the Lord because he does not approve. We see how much God approved of this because He included this in the Ten Commandments and rebuked David when we went after another man’s wife.

Exodus 20:14 “You shall not commit adultery.”

Exodus 20:17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife…”

2 Samuel 11:2-4 One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her…

2 Samuel 11:14 In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. In it he wrote, “Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.”

2 Samuel 11:27 After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.

Infidelity.com reports that 57% of American men and 54% of American women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they have been in.  The same site reports that 53% of American marriages end in divorce and that 74% of men and 68% of women says they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught. This is quite sad because God did not intend for us to be unfaithful to our spouses even if we didn’t get caught.

1 Corinthians 6:18-19 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; (NIV)

MARRIED TOO YOUNG

46% of exes surveyed said that age was a factor in the dissolution of their marriage. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly half of teenage marriages fail within the first 15 years. That number is down by 35% for those who married in their mid 20’s. It is a good thing for young people to wait till they are mature enough for marriage. With marriage comes a huge responsibility and like most babies, they are in the “I” syndrome for quite some time. It is wise to “wait” and get to know yourself, finish school, go to college, get employed and allow for God to guide you in your mate selection.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

 UNREALLISTIC EXPECTATIONS

45% of respondents said unrealistic expectations eventually led to their divorce. What were these unrealistic expectations? Did you think that your spouse would be perfect? Sorry!  Perfection will never take place in ANY relationship. Your spouse isn’t perfect and neither are you.  Romans 3:23 For we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (NIV) This scripture tells us that we are all flawed and no one is perfect. Therefore, if your spouse has some areas that needs to be worked out, why not work on them together because there is definitely room for growth on both ends.

LACK OF EQUALITY

44% surveyed said they felt their marriage was unequal, and eventually, that inequality led to divorce. If one person feels an unfair amount of responsibility is placed on them in the marriage, the relationship could be in danger. What is the responsibility of each party in a marriage. Well, let’s look at the Proverbs 31 woman.

Proverbs 31:10-20  A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringer her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; and provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. Her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy…(NIV) Proverbs goes on to say more, but this is what a man should look for in his spouse.

Ephesians 5:25-29 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—(NIV)The Bible clearly states the role of both parties within the marriage and how each should treat the other in their roles.

ABUSE

29% of splits occurred because of domestic violence. Divorce can be a much more complicated process for victims of abuse. "The most important thing is to make sure that you're safe before instigating any separation or divorce. Always tell family and loved ones if you are planning to separate and seek out legal and pastoral counseling when such issues are taking place. I recently discussed this issue in a blog. Do not stay in an abusive situation, but look out for the safety of yourself and children.

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (NIV)

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of lie, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (NIV)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV)

If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation…get help! Encourage that person to get out and get help. Here’s a number for:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

SUMMARY

God intended for the constitution of marriage to work and be a blessing from which, children are born into this union. However, due to sin, that union is sometimes compromised and people head to the nearest divorce court that they can find. God however, did not want divorce to happen and He does frown upon it. Therefore, prior to marrying anyone, get a consultation with God. Make sure that you are in tune with His voice to know if the person that you are with is His absolute best for you. Make sure that you are not thinking with the flesh, but the two of you are on one accord with God. If you happen to be in a marriage that seems to be going south, pray to God and ask for direction. Seek counseling from your pastor and keep the lines of communication open. Do not let divorce be your first option. For Christians, God did not want this to ever be an option. However, there are certain situations where God has allowed it, but that is not for you to explore the grass on the other side of the fence because it looks better. Ensure that your decisions line up with His will for your life and God will do the rest.